I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
