I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
