Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
