Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
