I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
