The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together