I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.