Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
