WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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