dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
