My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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