i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My ATM looks so different sober.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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