Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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