Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
