how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
