i need an iv and a liver transplant
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
