Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
