Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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