Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
