made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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