Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
