Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
