At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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