Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
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I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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