Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
