Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
