i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
