I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
