All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
