It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
