It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
