my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
