I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
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If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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