sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
