I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
