Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
