Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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