I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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