it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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