I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
meet me or not, i'm out of control
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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