I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
