The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
