How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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