haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
