I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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