having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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