either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
