Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
being pregnant is like rehab
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
