Me. At least after what I've been through.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
only if we run a train.
done.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
