Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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