i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
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My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
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Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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