This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You're a waste of cheezeits
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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