Your dad touched me again.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
