I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
