Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
