is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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