I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
